being healed
So in the last post I mention I am healed
I’d like to elaborate on that a bit.
I am healed means that I don’t have any serious physical, mental or emotional illness. Not meaning that I’m a perfect specimen of a human, but rather that I don’t have any serious health concerns.
Coming from 4 mental health diagnosis's, hypothyroid, obesity, heroin addiction, alcoholism, chain smoking, caffeine dependent and disordered eating, I no longer have those issues.
That’s doesn’t mean I’m perfect or in optimal human health.
I get depressed and lay in bed all day. I get hype and do all the errands. I fluctuate weight based on my emotional state. I get really slow and tired when I’m not eating right. I like to isolate. I problem smoke cigarettes once in a blue moon. I sometimes don’t feel like doing morning meditation.
But that is not my normal state. Today I can identify it, make adjustments and then keep it moving.
I don’t have to stay in a constant state of sickness.
But healed doesn’t mean perfect by any means. It just means I’m a human in this toxic filled shitshow world. I’ve dealt with my demons, so now I just do the best I can to stay in balance how I can.
Casualties of life might make an impact on my health eventually but it’s not because of any preventable (on my end) illness.
Like, my expectation of health always seemed un achievable. Like I could never get there or I’ll always be sick.
One day at a time, I dealt with the trauma, resentments and hurt. I utilized AA and kept going. I plugged in with people when I didn’t want to. I showed up. I kept evaluating myself. I changed every habit, every friend, every vice.
I slowly removed them and I harshly detoxed a few of those.
Then one day I realized it’s okay. I’m okay. I didn’t even notice.
Days aren’t always great. My mood sours. My joints ache. My heart grieves. I eat a whole box of nutter butters and smoke a pack of maverick red 100s. I hold a resentment close to my heart. I ignore God. I don’t go outside.
And that’s okay. I’m not suffering from an out of controlled self anymore. I am human and just existing in this moment, with both scars and wounds.
I can do those “unhealthy” behaviors in moderation today. And the other days, I keep the rest of me loved and well tended.
It’s a really beautiful thing and I wish more people would do it.